Question: I have always had many questions as far as religion goes. I guess that could be why I sometimes feel a bit lost in life. I have always tried to be very open minded to religion and not to think less of someone else for that what they do or do not believe. I am not married, but I do have a wonderful son whom I prayed for. At this time, I am still with my son's father, although, as time passes I feel it is not what is meant for either of us. I am trying to deal with things, but I don't want my son to grow up thinking that this is what a relationship is all about. Do you think less of me for this? How do I know what is right? Many people have told me that I should marry my son's father, but do you think marriage is something that should be done only because of children and not love? Please don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have had a child with this man if I didn't love him. As I said, I prayed for my son. He was totally planned and I wouldn't go back and change that for anyone or anything. We are just from two different worlds and I don't think it is fair that I should ask my child to grow up in a home where there is always tension. Can you help me to know which way to turn? Religion has always been a sensitive subject for me, as I have always believed in God, but I just never knew anything more than what I feel in my heart.
Response: I am sorry that I don't know you better. I am always very hesitant to give advice on such life-altering questions such as this, but I will try and give some helpful suggestions believing that your statement, "I just never knew anything more than what I felt in my heart" to be a very important guide for you.
First of all, let me say that I do not think less of you because you had your wonderful son without the benefit of being married to his father. I am sure that boy loves you very much and is grateful to have such a caring and compassionate mother as you. Your question on whether it is right to marry this man or leave him, you must do what your heart tells you is right based on your desires to provide the very best for your son. Following that line of thinking, the question is, if you marry this man, will it bless and improve the life of your son or will his life be more peaceful, more Christ-centered and less stressful than if you didn't marry him? The hard part about what you're going through is that you're faced with the problem of trying to make a logical decision in the midst of emotional conflict.
You might be saying to yourself, "Nobody likes to fail", but in reality the relationship may be failing. Or, "this man might turn out to be a great father and even a great husband", and very possibly could. Ultimately, you have to determine if these things are likely to happen considering the "evidence of the past". You really can follow both your heart and your head if you follow this line of logical thinking. I agree with you when you say that it is not fair to ask a child to grow up in a home where there is always tension. Therefore, if you believe, based on what you've seen so far, that there is little likelihood that this man will change, then I am comfortable in agreeing that you should do what is best for your son.
I'm sure that you have had considerable conversations with your son's father concerning everything that you have said to me. If, by chance, you have not had any deep, and meaningful discussions on this subject, I strongly advise you to do so, otherwise there would always remain that questions as to whether you did all that you could have done do to salvage the relationship. But, if those discussions have already happened, I definitely would move ahead in order to provide the peace and happiness that your son and you need.
I am not trying to push something on you here, but the gospel of Jesus Christ would provide you with the direction and support that you need. You mentioned feeling "a bit lost". Perhaps you could meet with two representatives from our Church that could explain what we believe and could provide some direction and peace in your life right now. If you would like that, please email your name, address and phone number back to me and I will have them call on you.
I wish you all the best in your decisions.
