First of all, I really am in no position to assume myself to be a marriage counselor, nor do I want to put myself in such a vulnerable situation. It's also very difficult for me to even try to counsel anyone on such a sensitive subject because I have not experienced it, nor would I want to go through what you are experiencing. Many people say that I'm a very lucky man because of the great relationship I have with my wife. I admit that I am, but I'll never forget something Debbie (my wife) told me a couple of years ago after attending a seminar at "BYU Education Week" in Provo, Utah. The subject was on keeping a marriage strong.

The instructor who was teaching the class expressed her joy of recently celebrating her 50th wedding anniversary with her husband. Someone in the audience said, "You are a very lucky woman." To which she replied, "Lady, luck had nothing to do with it. Those were 50 long hard years of sacrifice and selflessness in trying to make my marriage work."

I will say the same about my marriage. At the time I'm writing this, Debbie and I will be celebrating years of marriage, and may I add that luck had nothing to do with ours either. Those were long hard years for the both of us trying to keep our marriage together and strong. We've had great times and some hard rocky times as well, and in looking back at it all, we both had to work very hard at keeping it strong which brought us both even closer together. They say that adversity builds strength. I know that to be true, but only when BOTH parties are trying to overcome adversity with common goals.

I am a very analytical person and so I would like to use an analogy that I feel helps define in visual terms what a marriage is all about. Along with this statement, you may want to refer to another one I wrote regarding equality between men and women. Reading that harmoniously with this one will help you understand these concepts clearer.

A marriage to me is like a bicycle. As we know it has two wheels. Each wheel represents the man and the woman respectively working together in tandem for a common goal; a progressive forward movement. Both wheels are equally important to the integrity of this bike, and if one is smaller than the other, then that wheel has to work even harder and faster than the bigger one to keep up. Conversely, the bigger one can take an easier pace and doesn't have to work as hard as the one considered to be less significant or smaller. Both wheels should be equal for optimal performance.

Let's also consider that this bike cannot balance itself evenly on two wheels without someone to stabilize it, unless of course you take into consideration a kick stand, but even then the bike is off balance and cannot serve its intent of what it was designed for. It just sits there with no purpose; it's not going anywhere, it just exists.

For the sake of illustration and hopefully not to be construed as a sacrilegious example, let's consider the Lord the one riding or providing this bike's propulsion. Yes, you could push the bike without a rider on it and it may coast for a while, but inevitably it will slow down and eventually get off balance and fall down. If we allow the Lord to be the one to propel this analogous marriage, He could be as much of a driving force as we want Him to be, but without that so-called "chain," that links us to his power, we are left alone and His help is of no worth, no matter how much power He has to propel that bike. It is up to us to connect that chain. This link or chain that I refer to is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

After Christ was crucified, He appeared to His apostles and told them that He would leave for us the Second Comforter, or in other words, the Holy Ghost. This would give us the ability to continue to communicate and feel of His influence. By kneeling together as husband and wife, submitting yourselves in complete humility, asking our Father in Heaven in Christ's name to guide you in your marriage and give you the strength to overcome adversity, the power and guidance from on high will help you make that chain even stronger and more efficient, but only on conditions of humility by BOTH the husband and the wife.

Let's go a little further and try to define and refine the proper roles of the man and woman using this analogy of our bicycle. The back wheel, or the propelling one, would be the man who has been given the role as the provider in the home. He helps the marriage move ahead by providing sustenance for the family, among many other things. The woman (all the women who read this will love this example) is the front wheel or the front runner giving direction and guidance in the home. It has been proven that the Mother is the one that has more influence over the raising and development of the children than the Father, not because of the roles society has dictated to us, but biologically there is a bond with the mother and child that helps develop that child's attributes, far more than the father.

There needs to be harmony between a husband and wife in the home. They need to work together with common goals, not separately. The Lord has declared, "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man." (1 Corinthians 11:11) Both are equally as important in His eyes.

However, there are times when this ideal world of an efficiently working marriage just is not possible. Communication breaks down, incompatibilities are discovered or maybe selfishness is an attribute that has crept in and the damage over the years is just irreparable. Whatever the case may be, there are situations that just don't work out for one reason or another.

You asked if you would be allowed to join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or even have the chance at all to be with God after this life if you went through a divorce. You must remember that our Savior Jesus Christ died for everyone, not just a select few. He knows what you are going though. He understands the complexities of every single situation, no matter how complicated it may be.

If membership in his church was for the perfect, there would not be any members associated with it. Remember what Christ said: "They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick." (Matthew 9:12)

The Church has so many wonderful programs to bring families together. Family Home Evening is the one thing I would recommend you start doing. Whether or not something as simple as this can be a catalyst to save your marriage is unknown, but by doing so, you can instill in your children the principles of family love and unity. Can you imagine what this world would be like if every father and mother would get together with their children at least once a week and talk with them and spend time as a family, to show an example of unity and love between their father and mother?

The Church puts out a booklet entitled "Family First." In it you will find some wonderful examples of what you can do with your family to bring them all together and have some fun and spiritual times. I'm sure you can find one at any of the chapels, but if you have difficulties finding one, please email me back and I'll get one in your hands somehow.

You must ask yourself, do you pray with your husband? Do you talk about long term goals, not just for your children and preparing for their futures, but what you and your spouse's goals are for the next 5, 10, 20 years or your future? It is very important that you have a "oneness" about your marriage; a unity of your directions in life with your spouse so you are both headed in the same direction.

Whatever becomes of your marriage, if you've tried your hardest and still nothing successful happens, you must not consider yourself a failure. Life goes on and you must make the best of every situation. Life is not perfect in anyone's life but we must not let discouragement and difficulties get us down.

I look at my sister and one of my brothers who were in the very same situation. I do not, by any means, consider them failures. In fact, I admire them for their willingness to make the best of their lives and be wonderful examples for those who may be going through those kinds of tough times.

One last bit of counsel; I would take the opportunity to talk to a bishop in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and ask him for his council and advice. Tell him of our correspondence and take to heart what he has to say to you. He has been ordained and set apart for counseling people with these, and many other specific kinds of challenges.

I hope and pray that the Lord will help you in your trials and that you will be prayerful in your decisions that you make. I also hope in some small way this has been helpful to you in such a difficult situation.

Sincerely,

Donny Osmond


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