I've many times wanting to write to you but... This might be a long letter but I will try to make it short. I am not English speaking so excuse the spelling sentence building.

I will, with help of Microsoft word, keep an eye on it but I might go so up in the writing and I might start to cry, when writing so it wount be perfect.

And I don't want to be recognisable in your belief pages, if some parts of my mail would be suitable for some publishing on the belief pages I would like that very much and I do look for an answer from you . Of course you can say parts as long as my identity is not known.

My life in a short version, easier said than done. I feel so secretive as I have so much shame, embarrassment, guilt, pain and fear. It is so weird that I have no desire to die, be a drug user, to be criminal. I have every reason for wanting to be dead or be an alcoholic. The good news is, I don't! I love to live, love to be among all sorts of people, love when things happen, I have your kind of honour (help) I love surprises. I take care of myself when it comes to clothes, make-up, jewellers, and hair. I am not over weight, don't smoke, I love good food and some wine. Well I have had thoughts of suicide. About 8 years ago I even started to prepare one. I never tried when it came to it but I have felt the feelings of hopelessness. But on the whole, I am not a depressed person that is in need of professional help. But I am so unhappy, worried about what will happen in the future, scared. It doesn't take much for me to start crying. Yes I feel sorry for myself and I think that I have a right to do that. This is the first time that I will open myself to someone. I need this, to open myself to someone. Especially to someone that can't find me, question me, ridicule me, make fun of me and my emotions and what my life has been like and my fear of the future.

This is so painful and hard to write I am already in tears and just knowing what I will write, I feel it in my whole body. I think life is unfair, I think that I have been punished with too many wrongs. The positive thing is that it cannot be worse, it can only be more/ yet another thing. I do have so many things going against me and most of them one cannot do anything about. And the things that you can do something about are in a way stopped because of the things that one can't change.

I will not comment on the things that I am now going too write. I am sure that whomever reads this will understand how it makes me feel and how hard it is to live with and accept.

One is supposed to love like and respect oneself. I don't do that. I have very little self-esteem. I feel discusted about myself. When I get dressed or I am in the shower I prefer it too be dark so I don't have too see myself.

Born -59.

I am 99% blind on one eye. On the other eye I see 7-10% (depending on where in the eye we're talking about) of the normal (20/20) and that %'s are concentrated to 25 percent of the eyes area.

I have never wanted to drive a car, though I don't mind going fast, but one of the things that feels me with so much pain is that I can't ride a bike.

I am deaf in one ear. (I have no ability too sense smells.) I can't swim. I am afraid of drowning.

I am not good looking, pretty and attractive. I feel so unattractive that it sickens me. And then it doesn't matter if I am told that I am pretty and have a smile that can melt ice. I'm told that I look and smile like Goldie Hawn and that is of course nice to hear, but I don't think her smile and laughter is that special.

I don't work. I am pre-retired. I have no friends and with exceptions from short parts of my life, I have never had any friends, so my social skills are not very good. I am much better in writing than in talking. To write makes me feel more secure. I can't be ignored, I cant be pushed aside.

I feel so stupid and unworthy of good things. I have never done and been kissed and hugged. I have never been in love. I had crushes on cute boys in school and good looking and attractive/sexymen. This could be one of the hardest things for me to confess to myself and of course, I never would say it to others. But it is a complication when you talk to people. I must hide that I have never had a relationship.

And you might understand the deep sorrow and shame I feel when you hear stuff like this. All people know how it is to be in love, be heart broken and all that. I have no such experiences. And it holds you back.

I want to have a man, not mainly for sex, but for every reason you could think of, friendship, love, and partnership...walk hand in hand with, travel, go shopping with etc. I love to see people happy and I don't feel envy when I see couples. I want to be part of that world! So this is who I am, facts and nothing made up.

(I will stop writing for today, I have cried so much, I am so cold and I have pain in my stomach.)

Back again. How my life has looked like and again will try to avoid explanations.

Divorced parents. I have no idea how young I was. I might have been about a year old. I have a 5 year older brother, not the same dad. My brother, I will not go there. But there are and have always been so many problems with him and everybody. And he finds pleasure in letting me carry his bitterness and hate. My mom also has a terrible temper, just like my brotther, and a lot of bitterness. When she is in a bad mood she screams anything, she´s a bit cowered, fighting for her life, you know. My entire life she has used this phrase as her favourite scene-line, "I go out and kill myself " or "I go out and wont come back". She use to say that, and she left the apartment, "I wont come back". I remember this from the time I was 4-5 years old and so does my brother. She often says things like, "why plan a holiday in advance we might not be alive at the time for the holiday". "If I am not dead I will do that next year". This talk of death I have heard my whole life. She has been drinking too much, and I remember when I was a little girl how she would fall and I was scared and had to run into the neighbours for help. She had problem with men and I must say with women. As I don't think she has ever had any female friends. And she is extremely hostile, degrading and I suppose envious towards friendships, be it with relatives, families or couples and especially between women. She also idealises men and thinks that they stand over females. She had not a good relationship with her mother. And wrong or right thinks that her father favoured her brother and especial her sister. But I love her, she has many good sides as well. I am bounded with my brother and I can say things to him that I can't say to any other person.

My brother wants to push me, make me do stuff. I don't know why? Does he care or does he want me away from mom and dad? I have no contact with my real dad. I wish I had. My mom and adopted dad made me choose. My real dad had a wonderful mother, my Grandma, I think she is the only person I have ever trusted a hundred percent. And she liked me even if I was one ugly handicapped and stupid child. She was kind. But Grandpa, dads father, was not at all like that. He could give his children spankings in public places. One time when I was about 5-6 years old and sat on the floor, I had a hand on the floor and Grandpa stamped real hard on my hand. He didn´t like children. This was a well known fact in the small town we lived in. He was in a highly respected position there. My dad got angry at him and said you did that on purpose. I was helpless but so glad that my dad took me in defence.

I would have liked to have contact with him and the other relatives on that side but my parents don't believe that one can have love and shall have contact with 2 families. One makes a pick and that is that. This is a problem with them and my brother. As he has contact with his real dad. I admire him for that, and he did not agree on being adopted and have a new name. I have a cousin, she is 3 years younger then me. I like her and she says true things to me. I trust her. She also encourage me to do things, she talks to me as I am grown up. She gives me hope about life's changes. Hell would break out if my mother should hear what my cousin says to me.

I still want my dad, my real dad to come and get me, hug me, and say he likes/loves me... Yes that must be true, I got tears in my eyes when I wrote these words.

My dad, step dad, adopted dad, he's got 2 children from an earlier marrige - no contact as far as I know. I love him but I am also afraid of him. He worked as a policeman and took the job with him home. I can't look at photos from the larger parts of our lives together without feeling pain, hurt, desperation, they make me want too cry. He is very dominating but not as dominating as my mom. He had a difficult childhood. Mom and Dad live for each other and they have no friends. They don't want anyone else in their life except me. They guard on each other when it comes to contacts with the opposite sex. And my theory is that this is the main reason why they have no friends.

They don't understand why I want friends, want to do all the things one does with friends. They have no understanding for that. They question it. And they don't understand why I want to find a man, fall in love and get married. I long so much for both a partner, friends and stepchildren. I can't begin to write how much I long after a man, friends. It eats me up from the inside when I think about it. It hurts so much only someone that have the same loneliness that I have can understand that! A person like you can, I am sorry but you can never understand. And you're insulting me if you say that you can, sorry but I believe this.

Do to my handicaps I could never go in school with normal children. I had to go in a school for blind kids. And I was treated very bad I became institutionalised, and extra easy for me to not have that many good memories from that place as I am a very sensitive person. I was living there from the age of 7 to 11. I wont write so much about this, but I want to tell you this so you see the philosophy, remember this is in the mid 60's, early 70's. The students that saw was punished and we was to be trained to become normal. And in this place normal meant blind. We had to walk around with a white cane, in class we had a eye-bandage and sometimes a hood that covered our heads. We had a wood boards infront of us with 2 holes in for sticking our hands through when writing on the machine. This was for us to learn to feel and not see. There were 4 girls in my class, we lived together the whole time. We slept in the same room, we ate every meal at the same table, went to shower or bath together, sat in the same class, read schoolwork together, we had breaks together. We sat on toilets, no doors, next to each other. The headmaster walked around at the evening to see that the children were asleep and didnt lay in bed talking. This I did and the other 3 girls do and he listens at the door. If he heard noises, he would walk in go to the beds and give us a spanking, or he could lift us up by the hair or ears and hold us up shake us and then let go of the grip. He did this without saying a word. I am still very good in crying silently and I could win an Oscar for acting being asleep when I am not.

My mom hated this place and so did my dad, when he came in to our life he took me from this, "prison from another century"

I went to a school for handicapped kids, but one didn't live at this place and one saw normal children. I was treated badly by several of the normal boys. I was called names, I was told that I am disgusting, that they wanted to throw up and those sort of things. I know that girls wanted to play with me were ashamed and stopped being with me when it came out that we spend time together. At home things weren't that much better. We moved around to 3 other towns in the last one I was put among normal kids. I am sure you can see the result of this. But I actually liked school and the first years I did rather well when it came to studying. But with the children it didn't go that well. And the last couple of years I didn't eat in the school meal room. In my homeland school meals are free. I got the lunch on a trail in a little room next to the cleaning staffs room. I never finished the last year of school. And the hard time not being able to have friends, I couldnt ride a bike and things like that.

Me and my parents moved to another part of the nation when I was 15 ½ . We lived on the country, no neighbours, no stores no town near by, nothing. 20 min. with car to nearest town, a small town.. I lived there until the 6 of Feb. 1997 21 ½ year. I was in town 4-6 times a year, alone. 3-4 hours at time. I would go to the hairdresser, buy xmas gifts and walked around. At home we had a buisness so a lot of people came around, but I never felt a part of it, especially when I got older and older and still was living at home. I don't want to talk so much about this, it is so painful. I am not saying that I acted normal and I was terrible, but I was so unhappy and desperat for some hopes for another life.

My parents drank every evening, a lot. Often with a lot of fights as a result and mostly the anger was directed at me. I was called all kind of things, I was disgusting. Most things I did were done in a wrong way. I was often dragged in to these fights. It's so much I can't write about it. When you live in a very small house and 2 people are screaming at you at the same time... And I had nowhere to go to run. At times they go at each other. Other times they had sex anywhere at any time, it was a risk to live in my room. Many times I could not go to the bathroom as, usually dad had fallen asleep on the toilet seat. And I avoided bathing or taking a shower as the bathroom was just next to the kitchen and I could hear every word they were saying and worst my mom would come in 2-3 times to do number one. It's ok when your 5 but when you're 35! It was a little bathroom and no drape. I had no private life. I was happy if I got dinner before 22pm, it could happen. But the worst part was all criticism of me, never any space and no hope, they had full control of me. Everything all the time. And can you imagine how it is to have to sit at the table and eat with them. When they were sober but there had been some incident. Or when they had been drinking. My dad could stop talking for days to punish my mom and me. It is not nice to be picked on. It made me nervous and I still jump if someone raises their voice or does a unexpected hand move or sneaks up on me. (It can be funny - have got tee in my lap when watching tv)

If I got money for every time I have been called an idiot and that I never can learn anything, I would be a very rich person.

I was like 12 years old when he, for the first time said to me that, "it's something wrong in your head if one opened it up there should be something one could do in the brain to make me normal. I was alone with him and nobody to talk to. He said that many times later too. Maybe as late as 5-10 years ago. I was like 12 the first time. I don't think one shall say something like that to anybody.

I don't want to make me an innocent little victim here. I was probably hell to have around but it's not only my fault. And also stupid and mean and non-intelligent people shouldn't be told this sort of things.

Yes there was not only mental mistreatment, but also physical. He would cast my glasses away and hit me in my face. I have also learned that they pre-resigned me 1995 and took the money. I thought it was done 1997. My brother knew that and is furious about it.

Well how can I love them and care, I don't know. But I do and they are now doing everything for me. And I guess they know that they have done some wrong things to me, I am partly to blame of course. But I was difficult and had a terrible temper. But I sometimes think that some of my bad temper was a cry for help, a desperation

-97 we moved to town, they in one flat and me in another, about 3 min. walk away.

I was 37 when I paid my first bills, went to the store to get groceries, eat when I want too, everything. I know that mom goes through my things but I don't care. I have my own place and life. I can always go back here!

It has and it is far from easy, as I am sure you understand. I have not made any friends. But I am growing year by year and this must take its time, you can't take away 37 years and think that all is fixed in a couple of years?! I have been to school and read all junior and high school subjects and got very good results!

How did I survive this 37 years? One thing was that I would get tremendously interested in something, politics, sports what ever. But never active but in my head. I would continue a political debate or start one. I had a very creative make-believe life in my mind. With friends, family and the life I wanted to live. I have no idea when or how I started this, I might have been as young as 4-5 years old when I had pretend-friends. Ok many kids have this but they go away when they get older. But I had this make believe stuff going on in my head always. Line an escape a fantasy life. It sounds dangerous. But I could separate them. And they gave me strength and courage and comfort, somewhere to run to when things were too hard. It is first now, the later years that this has stopped. And I am so happy and relieved about that! I don't miss all the thinking I use to do for a minute.

(ok I am lying a bit, it can come back at times when I am very sad and feel more lonely than normally.)

But it is so nice to not have them. I have started to dream! I have always had an easy time to fall asleep and sleep well for the whole night. I think that I didnt dream before because my head was so overworked at daytime that when it came to night my brain got a healthy and much needed rest!

But I also had something else in my life, the Osmond family. Donny Osmond and his family. I cannot start by telling you how much you all have helped me. I have never met any of you and never talked with any of you. The music of course but also you all as people, you have been there/here for me, like a second family. I don't idealise you, but you are just wonderful people, faithful to your values, don't judge people and you care and want to do good things for others. And the music, the voices, the lyrics I cant say what it has meant to me through the years. I am so grateful to them all. I wish there was a way for me to say thank you. Or I want to tell you about it, but I am far from the only person that have this close loving emotions for the Osmond family. So even if I never get the opportunity to meet and talk to you or any of your siblings. I know that so many others have done this and they said thank you from me too. When I discovered www.donny.com I came home. The piece that was missing fell into its place. And people tell me this, ask me this. What has happened with you ? I say; I have never been happier and the response will be, yes one can see that in your face and body language. I have met other Donny fans at donny.com that have gone through a lot and I admire them for telling the rest of us about it. I wish I had the courage. if I could do it anonymously. It's liberating to tell. And I should learn that I have nothing to be ashamed about. I have a right to be liked and like myself.

I can't say and write or think this without starting to cry and blush. But I think some people like me a bit at donny.com, I might have got my first real friends. But I don't trust them. I'm just waiting for a lot of questions about who I am and my life. I fear that I shall be revealed. When will I do something wrong and be left alone again. I don't understand how they can act as if they like me and why they are kind and interested in what I think. But some of them are very nice towards me. I want to tell them some of the things I have gone through. But they help me a lot by just being nice and friendly. There are a few not so nice members at donny.com.

They have tried to push others and me away, don't want every member to be part of the community and some want Donny Osmond for themselves and think they are better fans than others. I can only smile at them because they cannot harm and hurt and scare me off. I have been so hurt and sad that they will not win. And when my donny.com friends and I speaks about them, and they tell me to ignore those ladies, I just smile and laugh as they can't make me go away. They are rather amusing in all silliness.

I still feel so unworthy to be liked, I feel sorry for people that have to talk, touch or be together me. I want to apologise to them. Ok this was more before. Now I have started to get more self-respect and don't think that people, especially attractive men find me disgusting.

The life at Donny.com and the community there does give me so much. But I want a life where I live too with a family and good friends and interesting hobbies. I want to have self-confidence, like myself. I am so ashamed that I am almost blind, I have never excepted that. I want to act like an adult. But there's nothing wrong and shameful with being handicapped. I admire Virl and Tom so much and their lives and what they have done. And Merrill's son, what a wonderful gift for you all to know and be related to 3 so amazing people And dear wonderful, sweet Alan.

I don't know how to get the life that I want and in some ways think that I deserve. I am so afraid to die without ever being hugged and kissed. I am afraid that I will die and be discovered months later by the mailman. I am terrified that my life will remain like it is right now.

I can relate a lot to several people in the Dr Phil show. People that have gone through the same things like I have and the people in the weight loss group. The stories they tell, their feelings and tears, they understand me and I understand them. And some normal, successful, nice, funny members at donny.com acutely seem too like me. It is very confusing but I like it. I have had some very sweet mails that have made me cry so much and they don't know me, it can be that they wont like me if they did. And some members have done some things for me, a stranger out of kindness. I just want to enjoy this time as long as it lasts! I feel many times unworthy of being liked and/or loved and asked for.

I have Dr Phils 2 books in the subject, I have had them for about 8 months and have only come to page 136 in the first book. It opens up so much in me. I know it is good and healthy and helpful for me to do the books. But it is scary. I tell myself, I must go back to the books and dig up the pain. And I think that I am strong and confident to do that now. And writing this mail was a good start.

Donny I am sure you have heard and will be told later how much you and your family have touched so many peoples lives. But yet I wonder" and I want to be among them that open myself to you and tell you about it.

When I read your book "Life is just what you make it - My story so far". A few times I forget that you write about yourself it is my thoughts and emotions you go through. And this makes me feel even stronger for you and your family. I actually trust you. Donny, you know what it is to feel down and without hope. You know how it is to want to be perfect and liked, to think that people laugh at you - also little children, you know how scared you are for failure, for not being liked. I know that you would not make fun of me. And what a fantastic wife you have. I have no words for my admiration towards Debbie! I wonder what would have happened if you never would have met her. And the book is a tribute to Debbie and the beautiful and private song on the new CD, "My perfect rhyme".

But then I did something, see the beginning of the mail, that surprised me and made me proud of myself. And you are part to be thanked for this.

I have degraded myself so much and always stepped back and taken on a role as second-class citizens. Like last summer, summer -03. I wanted to buy flowers on the square, they had one bouquet left so I take it and I am ready to pay. A woman comes. She too wants flowers, the salesman says that they are gone and that I got the last one. This lady says; oh that's sad I was going to go to the graveyard with them. I gave her the flowers. The worst part, I would probably have done that also if I already had paid for them. I backed I am in a learning period in my life for not doing that. I had rights to get flowers too. But the word graveyard made me so sad and made me feel guilty.

But some days ago. It was rather dark, the pavement I walked on is down-hill and thin and many people on it. With not seeing so good, grey cataract, bad balance and this are never a pleasant situation for me. A women I met said something like, "But how are you going then" I don't remember the words exactly.

I didn't lose my temper, I didn't say bad words, I didn't get tears in my eyes, I wasn't hurt and I didn't hide away/creep inside my fence. I got angry! I said in an angry but calm voice that; I don't see so well, it is slippery here and not that much room to walk on! And I turned away and walked a way. She mumbled something but I didn't hear what. I wasn't nice and she probably spoke without any harm meant. But it made me feel good. I stood up for myself and defended my right to exist and I had self-dignity. I didn't care if I hurt this lady and made her day miserable. I hope not of course, but this was about me. And she should have a hug if I ever see her again. She did me a favour and I took it out on her and I don't feel ashamed. As I handled the incident as an adult. For me the thing that accord was gone instantly. But I did feel good about it. And I thought to myself. This is thanks to Donny Osmond, Dr Phil, people I have learned to know at Donny.com, at Dr Phils show, the Osmond family. I am on the right track thanks to them! I must go back and work with the books again and also read Donny's book again.

This is what I meant to say

I don't expect any answer really. And if you do respond, you know many read these pages and many can find some help in your answers. You have a gentle and carrying way when you respond. Its very thoughtfull and respectful and also personal.

It would be nice if you took out some parts of the letter and put it on the "My Belief pages" and gave me an answer. But Donny in a way, it is enough for me knowing that you have read "My story so far".

If you respond, what shall I tell people? When is the time, for how long shall I have known them? What shall I say to people I only know over the internet? Shall I make up stuff? So many others are saying so much on donny.com and I don't say anything about "My life so far".

How will I do to make things happen for me? Must I except that my life will always be like this? Can I take risks?

Donny finely if you don't mind, can you pray for me? It's a big thing to ask for. I hope you didn't mind.

Thank you for letting me tell you about myself and for reading. And thank you for being who you are and for all you've done for me and so many others.

I know that our Heavenly Father loves you and I know that Jesus loves you more than you can imagine. I know that if you can reach out to him, you will find comfort, truth, love and peace: He said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments. And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. ... But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:15 - 27)

I know that in the resurrection, our bodies will be perfected and beautiful. We will look back on this life as an opportunity to learn many things and to be tested (which in your case has been more than I can imagine) but if you will now turn to Christ, become a true follower, you can have the joy you have missed in this life many times beyond your greatest dreams forever and ever.

Let me help you. Please stay in touch with me and let me teach you all I know about Jesus Christ and his love, his hope and the eternal joy his gospel promises.

Sincerely,

Donny Osmond


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